Old Nature Get The Best Of Me?

I did something stupid today. I was wrong. I feel pretty embarrassed. I hurt someone, not realizing that I was hurting them until later. Now, this person hurt me and that was enough reason to strike back, so I thought. But, I know better. I have been a Christian for a long time and a leader for almost as long. You would think that I would have drawn on all those years of training...those lessons on 'turning the other cheek'...do unto others...be constructive in your criticism...go directly to your brother if he hurts you (one that I 'conquered just recently and have been encouraging others to do, by the way). So what happened? How could I so easily forget?

Well, it's a little thing called my old sinful nature. You know, the one we are born with that somehow seems to cry for freedom at the weirdest of times? Yeah, that one. Just when you think, "I am growing. God is teaching me and I am finally getting it. Yeah, Go ME!" That's when it hits like a ton of bricks (or in my case one simple little innuendo that most people wouldn't even notice) and then "BOOM!" you're suddenly faced with the choice: do I respond out of emotion and only think of myself, or do I WAIT, PRAY, WAIT, PRAY, WAIT ON THE LORD, PRAY FOR GUIDANCE THAT WILL BENEFIT BOTH THAT OTHER PERSON AND MYSELF. Hmmm....what to do? I'll go with the obvious and...strike back! 'Yeah, whoohoo. Feelin' the victory. That'll teach you to mess with me. You should have known better than...to...treat.........wait a minute...' And that's when it hit me. 

There is this wonderful thing God uses in our walk that can possibly keep us out of danger called the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Now, we are supposed to be listening for it before anything happens so that we can follow His specific instructions and come through a trial closer to God than before. Yeah...I didn't do any of that! I instead acted and then began to listen to the Holy Spirit. And He was on my like white on rice! (That's a southern term that I just taught to my friend from Indiana :) 

It started as a pit in my stomach and then it went through my entire body. I had screwed up! Royally! 'Oh, God! What do I do? I messed up! I wanted vindication. I wanted justice for the wrong that was done to me. What was I thinking? How could I be so cruel? All for 5 minutes of satisfaction.'

My mind began to race...'I need to apologize to ALL involved. But, should I tell others about it? Maybe people in the prayer group will know...maybe the band?' I started to wear it as a banner. Then I actually took a piece of advise that I had given to someone the day before, "...we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ." (2 Cor. 10:5) So, I did (Okay...so I'm a little slow).

God showed me how to make it right by asking for forgiveness, humbling myself, and taking the licks that are the consequence of my actions. So, here I am, humbled, humiliated and thankful that God would love me so much not to let me get away with doing something out of His will for me. He chased me right back to my place. But, I had to go out and pick my own switch (anybody remember that parental tactic? Very effective.). 

Anyway, this is something major that I learned today. Not that anyone else should get anything from this, but this was a true growing experience for me. 

"Lord, you are good to love me despite the ways I fail you every single day. You teach me and discipline me. You always keep my pride in check and offer me opportunities to learn how to humble myself even further. God, if this keeps you first in my life, then I welcome opportunities to grow. I love you more than life."

Hold On To Your Seats!

I am ecstatic! Today I started the Esther series from Beth Moore. I was really wanting to do this study, but hadn't found an opportunity. Then one fell into my lap. My mother-in-law called me and said that their women's ministry was doing this study and asked if I would like to attend. I automatically said 'yes!' and signed up. 

Now, if you know me, I have my irons in a lot of fires. When I thought about all that I have going on, I decided to back out at the last minute. It all started closing in on me...the time constraints, work that I have due, everyday responsibilities of ministry, helping out family members, yada yada. I know that it would be good for me to simplify my life and not to be too busy (a little late now!), but my spirit was still crying out for depth and I have experienced such a longing for more of God. So, at the very last drop-dead second I went. 

Whoa! Boy am I glad that I did. God, through His servant Beth, showed me that this study is exactly what I have been needing for this season in my life and here's why: God needed to show me, once again, how BIG He is and how much He loves me.

I have the usual run-of-the-mill insecurities. You know, I'm not adequate, I'm not smart enough, I'm not qualified, I'm not experienced, I'm not good at certain things...pretty much a miserable wretch. But, I have felt those feelings even more lately. And the odd thing is, as I have felt more of those feelings, God has put more and more responsibility on me. How could He give me more and more when I feel like I am less and less? 

That question was answered today in the first session of Esther. I don't want to give anything away because I think EVERY woman needs to do this study! But, I have to tell you one thing that stood out to me - What I feel IS NOT truth; What I read in God's word IS truth!! I often hear people (such as myself) say 'I feel in my spirit' and I don't really know for sure if that is our 'spirit' we are feeling or if it's just our emotions. What I do know is she hones in on one particular fact of every woman's life that we don't often address that has to do with the 'emotional' side of us (you'll have to hear for yourself). 

I know this is a little vague, and that is intentional. I don't want to give away the impact that this study can make in a woman's life...and I've only been through the introductory session! This is such a great way to start off the year. I know that God has great things in store for me and that He will use me mightily because that's who He is. Hold on for the ride, guys! And be prepared to be moved.

How Is Love The Answer?

'What?' you say. What kind of person would question if love is the answer? What a funny title and one would think, just in passing, that I am not advocating loving one another. But what I desire to question is what love is the answer and our use of love. 

Love is something that we all desire, we all need and what fuels us to survive the harsh cruelties of humanity. But we tend to use love to our own personal advantage. We position it in ways that will benefit us and uphold us instead of seeing love for the all-around truth that it holds. Yes, love is a choice and it is a command of God to love one another as ourselves. But, what if we don't truly love ourselves? Where then will we get the love to give to others? There's no well of love to draw from and whatever we have will soon be dried up by friendships and people just being human. 

So, where do we go from here? 

God showed me several summers ago (and I believe this wholeheartedly to this day) that we, as we are cannot love ANYONE in our own capacity. A surface love, yes. Maybe even a love that we believe to be deep and abiding. But, what happens to that love when hurt and tragedy invade? If we are operating out of our own capacity to love we will BE hurt and will remain hurt. If we don't rely FULLY on God to help us love one another, then our intention is just another ticking time bomb waiting to go off in our hearts. 

We must ask God to give us the love that is possible to love one another. Through that love only can we love each other for who others really are, not for who we want them to be. The greater challenge is to go beyond just loving one another, but to intentionally love those who we consider to be our enemies. It is easy to love those around us that we consider to be friends. It takes much more prayer, dedication and commitment to ask God for the love to give to our enemies. But, God instructs us to do just that. "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" Matthew 5:44 (NIV). 

We must acknowledge love has many dimensions and if we as believers in Christ do not accept love as the total teaching that Christ intended, then we are using God's word to fit our lifestyle and not allowing it to BE our lifestyle. 

So, how is love the answer? Human love, I don't believe to be the answer. God, who IS love himself, is the only answer. If we look to Him and intentionally ask Him to give us the love necessary for other people, then we can love beyond our human capacity and can have a love that is lasting. It doesn't sway with time or circumstances. It endures. God's love is the answer.